Jim Breuer : Country Boy Will Survive - Full Comedy Special:

Jim Breuer : Country Boy Will Survive - Full Comedy Special:Show more

Premiered Nov 24, 2023 6 products
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Official merch available at https://bit.ly/JimBreuerMerch

TOUR DATES - tickets at at https://www.jimbreuer.com
January 10, 2024 -Dallas, TX - Majestic Theatre
January 11, 2024 - San Antonio, TX - Empire Theatre
January 12, 2024 - Stafford, TX - Stafford Centre
January 13, 2024 - Austin, TX - The Moody Theatre
January 14, 2024 - Corpus Christi - American Bank Center - Selena Auditorium
January 24, 2024 - Atlanta, GA - Center Stage
January 25, 2024 - Charleston, SC - North Charleston PAC
January 26, 2024 - Spartanburg, SC - Spartanburg Memorial Auditorium
March 5, 2024 - Vancouver, Canada - Vogue Theatre
March 6, 2024 - Federal Way, WA - Federal Way PAEC
March 7, 2024 - Eugene, OR - McDonald Theatre
March 9, 2024 - Huntington, NY - The Paramount
March 13, 2024 - Rochester, NY - Kodak Center Theater
March 14, 2024 Wilkes Barre - Kirby Center
March 15, 2024 - Hanover, PA - Eichelberger PAC
March 16, 2024 - Hagerstown, MD - Maryland Theatre
March 22, 2024 - Summit Showroom - Venetian Hotel
March 21, 2024 - Summit Showroom - Venetian Hotel
March 24, 2024 - Mesa, AZ - Mesa Arts Center
April 19, 2024 - Munhall, PA - Carnegie of Homestead Music Hall
April 20, 2024 - Columbus, OH - Columbus Athenaeum Theatre
April 25, 2024 - New Haven, CT - College Street Music Hall
April 26, 2024 - Boston, MA - Shubert Theatre
April 27, 2024 - Red Bank, NJ - Count Basie
April 28, 2024 - Baltimore, MD - Lyric
May 1, 2024 - Mankato, MN - Mankato Civic Center-Grand Hall
May 2, 2024 - Appleton, WI - Fox Cities PAC
May 3, 2024 - Sioux Falls, SD - Washington Pavilion
May 9, 2024 - Orlando, FL - The Plaza Live
May 10, 2024 - Fort Lauderdale, FL - The Parker Playhouse
May 11, 2024 - Fort Pierce, FL - Sunrise Theatre

The Breuniverse Podcast premieres weekly every Thursday morning on Patreon and Friday on YouTube/Rumble. http://jimbreuer.com/patreon

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Disclaimer: The views expressed in the video are the opinion of the hosts and are not facts.

#JimBreuer #Comedy #countryboywillsurvive

TRANSCRIPT
Transcript

0:00
[Music] you're in for a treat for tonight this guy has been touring everywhere working on a ton of new material for you it's
0:06
the best make it loud Long Island for the one and the only Jim Brewer when I was young I said
0:14
I want [Applause]
0:22
to [Applause]
0:28
was Kid [Applause]
0:44
[Music] these guys are all still in Jones Beach the
0:53
whole we go to the Hampton during the summertime and we we just buy tickets
0:59
gets and we decide if we like to go what ones do you have in the front
1:05
are they worth more than the peasants behind
1:12
us right this row still has flipflops like Alec Baldwin lives
1:18
there Billy
1:28
Jo shall we get on our ship they don't have boats they got
1:48
ships what what's going on what is what
1:54
is [Applause] no no what what I mean is
2:03
what is going on
2:10
right like it's pasted it's past if you divided politically even you have to
2:18
admit even if you're like I don't care as long as it's not you know
2:28
who [Applause] that was like a demonic like the devil
2:35
came out and just whoever like we're going to make people hate Donald Trump
2:42
hate get him I hate Donald Trump he's a racist he's a white supremist he's a
2:52
insurrectionist he's a they they Lynch
2:58
people
3:05
even I'm not going to blame you cuz I saw the news channels I saw them saying just he's Rous he's
3:12
fous you would just wake up to pee in the middle of the night he hates Mexicans and he he says they're rapist
3:20
and he hates black people and
3:27
he they had remember the woman March we're going to
3:34
March oh I have a vagina I have a vagina oh they knew what
3:40
a woman was [Applause]
3:58
then fascinating how your common sense
4:06
disappears oh hate I
4:15
hate even if you hate that human being and because you
4:26
hate you're accepting come on
4:31
man come on if
4:38
this listen man if this was like part of your family there's no way you would allow
4:44
this to happen there's no way I'm letting my uncle Lenny just like don't let him speak don't he's on the
4:55
stage show them where the podium is please
5:01
[Applause] like is someone emotionally attached to
5:09
[Applause] that they're bringing his kid
5:17
out he's on crack do you understand that it's not like you want him to be on
5:25
crack no no he's on crack think about this is some drug lord
5:32
stuff think about it think about he got caught
5:37
pring a crackhead if you don't give me money you
5:45
can't talk to my father where's that Asian horor how
5:55
much as long as he's not him
6:06
Ling
6:12
emotions you don't think that ain't the sitcom for the rest
6:18
of the world you don't you don't think let's
6:24
just let's pretend you're in China you don't think there's people watching China go oh my God
6:34
he saw on crack and they no blink they arrest other
6:41
guy he on crack and he making business deal in
6:46
Ukraine and they and we sending money want to
6:52
fight I love this show I love this
6:58
show [Applause]
7:16
I've never seen anything so crazy in my
7:23
life we're losing things do we have aliens something to distract them
7:28
anything [Music]
7:35
they starting to mention that every day start getting them used to the aliens cuz we're going
7:41
[Applause] to right first you had the Las Vegas call remember the Las Vegas
7:49
call today in Las Vegas an alien landed in a
7:55
neighborhood that was not by a trailer this time this is legitimate
8:00
neighborhood middle class human beings and then they and then they
8:05
played the the the phone message and the guy's saying this ready
8:12
yeah there's he's about 8 to 10 feet tall and we're very very
8:19
frightened he's really tall and there's two of them they're maybe 12T tall and
8:26
we're just we're terrified is anyone buying this
8:34
Earth can we drum up climate change please listen I know there's
8:42
people I listen I know people still are full-blown in on climate
8:50
change I think your heart is
8:55
wonderful it is but I I'm begging you to
9:00
look into it because I'm an 80s kid and let me remind you how they recite yeah
9:07
let me let me just yes let me remind you of how climate change comes about okay
9:15
so I remember the 8S the first thing they said you can look it
9:21
up remember the show start Trek it was huge
9:28
spu Spock he was serious he was like the guy he was like part alien and
9:37
part Spock is all over the news 1978 197 like we need someone it
9:44
looks like a like very serious like a TV guy in Idol SP he'd be perfect to sell
9:51
this agenda we'll make lots of money and create universities and they'll pay for
9:58
them to fund our cause send in Spock and Spock comes
10:07
in and they're showing
10:13
blizzard weather experts the biggest
10:20
scientist experts in the world all agree that in 10 years we are
10:29
headed for an ice
10:35
age I don't ever cursed dur on my shows but that's a major [ __ ]
10:46
up and they got funding for making a
10:52
mistake about the Ice Age Google it
10:57
later for those you like I don't believe what he's saying cuz I don't like that he made in font of Donald Trump and Trump is a sexist and he shouldn't even
11:04
bur up his name they divide the country and I don't like this guy did nothing for that
11:11
b you're a good human being I love you but you got to stop believing
11:18
[Applause] everything those are voodoo words scientists Specialists experts everyone
11:26
just goes oh my God they're going to tell every
11:37
then you're on Facebook I'll listen to The Experts not the jackass that think
11:44
themselves some of us went to
11:54
college that's why I got to get away it's m Madness goes Madness got to
12:01
get away gender good [Applause]
12:06
Lord yeah I was in Tanzania I know that's a weird way to
12:12
start off a conversation but I I like going to see the way people
12:18
still live with no laws through natural life no phones no television and uh I brought
12:27
up I watch this guy Matt Walsh about what is a woman and
12:33
yeah yeah we it that's know you can't tell me
12:39
other countries aren't
12:44
watching we say German Germany's going this they are going to try to Define
12:50
what the man is and what the woman and the people are actually supporting this
12:55
own's Administration watch what she said watch what she said
13:03
and you have people starting to believe it well I'm in the science people love that word science
13:11
tell me anything you want
13:17
science I believe in science I question nothing I put you on the
13:27
altar
13:32
those religious people are real nutty cult-like oh
13:41
really so yeah you don't think there's people going bu this F this one is going to be
13:48
in a clean port on this Biden Administration watch what she say can
13:53
you define what a woman is
13:59
I am not a
14:06
biologist [Applause] and I didn't see
14:13
one million woman March I didn't even see
14:20
10 I didn't see anyone she's in your face L ladies they
14:26
are in your face face double finger to
14:31
your face you can't pee where you want
14:38
DOA DOA you wanted your own bathroom now we
14:45
take it away there goes all your
14:51
rice do you want to player sport too bad too
14:56
bad the boy would a dick and play with you now dudah
15:05
dudah as parents go this is inclusive
15:17
right here you want another fish you want to go to the Ball Game you don't want to get cancel do
15:27
you
15:34
I don't need law or
15:40
biology or an expert or a
15:46
doctor to tell me what a woman [Music] [Applause]
15:55
is and I'm a man
16:06
yeah some banana cutting his donkey off getting ads from
16:15
beer I'll tell you what a woman is a woman is is my wife who's given birth to
16:23
three k three girls that oh yeah oh yeah
16:29
first one got stuck first one was stuck for hours no drugs
16:40
[Applause] just I was pris
16:51
TR she's screaming and you got these nurses
16:58
you're going to have to calm down we just
17:09
graduated well I got a bowling ball coming out of my female
17:21
vagina thing's head was stretched out seriously they used a plunger they call it a suction cup this that was her head
17:28
that's the first that's my wife's first
17:34
[Music] child I grew up in B stream this kid
17:40
ain't going to public [Applause]
17:47
school three kids every time I'm on the road she's getting psychologically just mutilated by these
17:55
teenagers trying to divide and conquer as mom's always spending money when you're not awake dad she's a real issue
18:02
I think it's a disease I've looked it up and I'm studying psychology and class where they're teaching us to hate our
18:08
parents and divide the entire household I don't know my sexuality I don't know anything about anything
18:20
anymore taking our kids I guess
18:27
nothing that's a woman surviving
18:34
that so I have to get away I went away was the first time we were alone we
18:41
flew to uh did anyone did anyone ever do those
18:47
uh uh what do you call it those uh you know when like a hotel chain calls you and they go hey if you if you stay here
18:54
for five nights you only got to pay like $40
19:04
I mean it's not that you know it's not that Less Fun my wife totally now my wife I you to say something me and the
19:10
kids have a have a thing with each other every room we check into we're like is Mom going to survive the
19:16
room so my wife gets in there first I'm going to see if it's been
19:25
dusted there are stains on the carpet I smell dogs it says no pets
19:35
allowed it's disgusting I found a hair in the bathroom in the tub we're not
19:43
staying
19:49
here you know I'm Southshore white trash like what we sleep here on the sidewalk
19:56
okay I I get the Curve
20:03
[Applause] and even though I've done well for myself I still that's that's my
20:10
mentality I if it's a great place I'm like oh my God this place is awesome if it's crappy I'm like all right well
20:15
we're going to here for a few [Applause]
20:27
hours so anytime we go anywhere we're always on
20:35
edge me and kids are on ass now don't get too comfy in the room
20:40
and don't unpack and don't question mom and don't
20:47
say it's okay it's just going to make her anger please if she says the minute she's not sure trust me it's not worth
20:53
it we got to get out of here we'll sleep in a renter car it'll be way more pleas than what we're going to deal with all
21:03
night so we we had a Hilton Hilton Grand
21:10
Hotel she took the call is that a bus
21:19
coming sorry hun but you did plan it um no it
21:25
was I'm just glad I didn't I would have been in
21:32
trouble it turned out an amazing trip I'll say that so what happened was she
21:38
she booked this trip and I was this is awesome we're going to go to Hawaii this is great big island well she don't want
21:45
to take Co she like it's only like 400 bucks this amazing five nights Hawaii
21:51
400 bucks we need a rent a car 1,400 okay okay that's that's okay that's
22:03
okay I don't want to sit and Coach do you have points un
22:09
[Applause] united okay first
22:15
class we land it's like 7:30 at night it's already a bad
22:24
situation we roll up and the place looks great right but there's no one there to
22:29
greet you and then some guy comes out he's annoyed he's
22:36
like he's not even Hawaiian nobody there is
22:43
Hawaiian somewh I want I want I want shirts I
22:56
want would you like and punch oh my God yeah I this place is magical
23:05
magical none of that uh if you're go to valet it's uh
23:10
$50 a day and uh if you want to self Park is $40 might
23:16
valy uh this is the only parking lot so I don't know where you staying in here but
23:23
sometimes you have to walk like a mile
23:29
bro so we get in and we wait we wait in line we get to the front like oh you're in the
23:36
wrong you're on the wrong Tower you got to go to The Ocean Club Tower like oh
23:42
that's going to be nice they said but you got to take a tram
23:49
tram okay a guy comes up to he's like hey man don't do it I've been here for a few
23:55
days this place is a disaster get yourself in Airbnb now we you got to
24:04
walk no kidding about a mile and a half leave your bags here make them bring it
24:09
and good luck when you get in your room I'm just telling you I I I yeah good luck I'm like H that guy
24:17
he we walked in the room
24:23
like first thing out of it smells in here
24:34
did you smell that nope I'm ready for bed
24:41
[Applause]
24:48
so we end up going you know I'm not a complainer man
24:55
she she goes in the room she's like I'm really sorry it's if there stains in here it's disgusting do you mind if I go down are you okay I said no no do it do
25:02
what you got to do I'm going to stay here though I'm I'm telling you in public no
25:09
I'm never complaining if I'm complaining you're an
25:19
assle I'll let you walk over it and she's
25:26
just I can hear her theme music as she's thinking about what she's going to say
25:32
to the front desk lady I'm getting a free Suite out of
25:39
this we flew here from Hawaii and there's no one Hawaiian working
25:53
here well we we checked out [Applause]
26:04
checked out went to an Airbnb she was happy we were happy happy
26:13
wife happy exactly right it doesn't mean wife
26:19
it doesn't mean even a wife just to anyone if you're with someone it's when the other person
26:26
like sucks smells this place is cheesy it's low
26:32
class why are we here it's gross I got itchy
26:39
disgusting well let's leave we don't have to what are you [Music]
26:51
doing then we're flying home we had a great trip I had a great trip we had we
26:57
did have have to sit and listen to the sales pitch you ever have to do that yeah they're selling
27:03
us Hilton Grand Hotel is selling us they're not t they're like I swear to
27:10
God no offense it's a I stayed Hilton all the time but they look like they were selling something that was going to
27:15
go bankrupt soon it really it looked like a really
27:21
bad person that read you know like a a psych you know the psychic you go do you
27:28
have a brother no a sister no do you know uh a dog on the
27:35
street yes I feel the [Applause]
27:45
dog and they're like you know how many times I mean the kids are gone right yep kids are gone and my wife and I both
27:52
said we're not listen we're there an hour we listen we get out
27:58
agreed yes yeah okay here we we sit down right away my wife is like I got to tell you I already don't want to be here
28:04
because the way we greeted we have to walk a half a mile we we're in the worst room ever that's not and the L like oh
28:10
those are not our rooms they shouldn't have never done that well you should have told us that because it just ruined my whole where the Airbnb right now and
28:16
I want my money back let's hold on let's hold on before
28:23
we come out
28:30
you're like my my method is good cop back let the good cop go first let the
28:35
let the good cop come in and go hey man I'm not going to lie to you I'm saving
28:40
off my points to come to Hawaii it's our 30-y year anniversary she's been sick
28:47
for 12 years my kids are sick I lost my mom a couple of years ago I lost my
28:53
father L up and I just want something really nice from my wife and I come here no one's here let's stick us in a room
29:00
no one's even Hawaiian I'm looking at I'm looking at a country guy and a
29:05
rapper and a guy from Germany like where are we right now where are we right
29:12
now so just I mean all I wanted give me that chance before I mean she's willing
29:19
to go here's a situation and you going to give us crack our money you understand me you
29:25
understand me I fly out here from I flew out here to be with my husband and you
29:31
put me in the 1960s holiday in at best at best before they
29:40
remodeled you have a high standard Hilton well guess what you lost credit
29:47
what are you going to do for me I'm looking up what are you going to do for me let me get my manager get your
29:56
manager [Applause]
30:04
it's not my way but we do have another vacation just [Applause]
30:18
saying so I moved to Florida and uh couple years ago yeah yeah yeah it takes
30:26
a little getting used to I'm all right with it though I'm all right with
30:32
it first of all it's a whole different you don't listen I've been away for two
30:38
years now and Joe would tell you Joe SI I travel Joe SI I know I grew up here I
30:44
know I lived in the Northeast all the way up until 2 years ago yeah you don't realize how it is up
30:54
here you you don't know you don't
30:59
know it's almost like they want us to fight they want you to be scared and
31:06
they want you to fight one they want you to hate I you see it in everyone people
31:11
drive in I hate these people on that type of person I hate this one and I
31:17
want to kill them I want D wait till we start writing we'll show you what go
31:24
dang you try to take away my God I see
31:29
it they're shoving it in your
31:35
face Florida is like first of all I never
31:41
understood uh uh when people have guns I actually feel
31:49
safer I never I never understood that I grew up in here and never had a
31:56
gun petrified gun petrified the guns but I know if I'm in a place no one
32:04
has him in some dingling just had a rough couple weeks in science
32:11
class and mom didn't check on him cuz he's been in his room just eyes in there
32:16
what should I do next kill people should I wear this black hoodie just stare at
32:23
the computer I don't know if I'm a boy I cut my penis off cuz I nobody knows who I am
32:31
I just I could kill things and I sucked my so there is no God there is no God
32:38
God doesn't exist there's no Spirit we animals it's just we need to take the
32:44
guns away we need to take some of the parents
32:50
[Applause]
32:56
away I'm not saying I'm a good
33:01
parent I'm I'm saying far from that but like dude I moved down
33:09
there and you know right away I realized cuz
33:15
up here we feel like something everyone feels like something's going down something deep down we go I hope it
33:21
doesn't but deep down we're like I know but I feel like it is but I just hope it doesn't we all have that feeling don't
33:27
lie to yourself don't lie to yourself and that's why the gun debate stop debating let's look at the truth you
33:35
could be for guns for obvious reasons you could be against guns you
33:43
people get whatever you're call you know whatever there's no reason to have a
33:50
there's no reason it doesn't matter the truth is oh a lot of us
33:57
bought draw a lot of guns 2 years ago a lot of
34:05
us and I didn't I didn't know nothing about guns but I saw them going nothing
34:11
to see here just people's heads being decapitated and peaceful stuff nothing to worry about um you got any guns left
34:18
in the store I like that where's this thing yeah I don't know how it works I'll figure it out you
34:23
[Applause] have there was a reason there was no ammo
34:30
left don't kid yourselves don't kid yourselves so that's a fact that's how
34:39
scared and alert people would Common Sense are
34:44
they're seeing some so I moved to Florida first I'm dude I'm like I'm still there still a
34:49
little I'm like I got to I got to find a
34:55
redneck we we've been taught to hate red they're
35:01
they're racist the country music is stupid like well guess
35:07
what there's an old old Hank Williams Jr song called country boy will survive
35:16
I I highly suggest tonight you all listen to
35:22
it get by the the the the type of music it is listen to what he's saying
35:29
especially when he goes country by wi country by
35:35
wi cuz when things go down you the lawyer you ain't got jacked squat when
35:42
you ain't negotiate nothing now hold on now fellas before we start killing and
35:47
maming there is a l get out of [Applause]
35:55
here so I was freaked
36:01
out and I wanted I wanted to learn this is so against my will but this is where
36:08
Society is bringing me [Music] me Long Island Jim
36:16
Brewer I want to learn how to hunt but I don't know if I can do it I don't know if I don't I have a problem killing
36:23
spiders my wife makes me get the cup and she's like she's beautiful I'm like I'll try to save
36:30
her oh she's fast she's fast she's fast she's scared Jim I know just the hair I
36:36
don't like the hair on it I don't like the hair on it it's a wolf spider and she actually keeps a lot of bad things
36:43
away and I love you and I
36:50
know right so I started I started meeting a couple
36:58
like hillbilly guys hillbilly guys and they're like hey man you really y'all
37:03
serious about going hunt I'll bring you hunting and I like yeah I don't know and
37:09
then you hear about all these different T like my friend I had like friends come out if you say hunt it's like a secret
37:16
little Society they come out nowhere hey man you like hunting hunt you want elk
37:23
you want bear like what do you want to oh my God
37:30
so uh so you know what you got to get a license and all that I said I don't know
37:38
I don't know I tell you what why you just come you can watch we go hog hunting in Texas we go up there we go
37:46
down there every year and you win a prize you get a big hog we'll show you how to take you know how to string the hog up they're a real issue down in
37:52
Texas serious issue they're like really messing up that's an issue we got to shoot a
38:00
and I and I went to Texas and we drive in a truck two dudes fat I
38:09
mean transgender boobs hanging out of each [Music]
38:15
side that's just natural cellul hanging out over the over the
38:23
seat belt just wrapping it B boob fat coming up giving it a
38:31
headlock every bu You' see the roll go to the steering
38:39
wheel and come
38:46
back and then we meet a guy we stop at as as woods and
38:53
mud and they're like oh you going to have to put on these boats cuz your shoes going to be stuck in the
39:00
mud like who are these who are these guys he we got to follow them to the
39:06
helicopter we're going on a helicopter yeah put the boots on and
39:11
we're walking through
39:18
mud I'm I'm in decent shape and I'm I'm losing I'm getting cramp here
39:25
these guys are 450 fat just rolls everywhere they don't even have
39:33
they don't have boots on their Barefoot just plowing through it like a moose and
39:53
man and they get to a there's a helicopter and they get on and literally
39:59
they're big boys so the first guy gets on the whole helicopter's
40:05
like he gets on this side and the and the bottom of the helicopter
40:12
sinking a good half a foot in the mud I can't see the thing like oh my God is this and then this guy I get in the
40:19
middle and then he comes and the helicopter guy his head is
40:28
this big he smells like brown liquor I don't know what he's drinking oh yeah there's empty beer cans
40:37
in the front and he's got a little thing here [Music]
40:43
like now hold on BET back there be it going to be tough when we get up out of
40:49
the mud so it might take two three turns when might hit by a May and Shake don't
40:56
if you feel it shaken you move you wa move your [Applause]
41:02
we you know I'm going hey man I watch from over there like now man you got see what we're about to do this is real all
41:10
G yeah Jim you ain't going one miss this funny man I love you on Sat night
41:18
lot my and then he takes off right he goes
41:24
just above the tree line and these two take out a rack of like
41:31
machine guns what are we doing and he's like why
41:36
would I make this laptop here boy you going to see the old B down there there fast th bites so you're going to keep an
41:43
eye they're going to try to weave down toward the river and when they when they realize that then they're going to
41:49
squander but they going to come back in this Trail I know I'm like a back of my boy here we go boy like a little and
41:54
he's two 300 lb Gorillas with the fat hanging over the overalls and he's got
42:01
his leg his 400 lb leg like this and his black tar tripping from his mouth and he
42:08
you see the hog these some [ __ ] run I told you I
42:17
told Shar turn Shar
42:23
turn and all I'm thinking about that is a country by
42:30
[Applause] wi country
42:40
by can you imagine I wouldn't where do you find a guy with a
42:55
helicopter then then they caught one that's another thing they bring
43:00
nurses with them like what's the nurse for man when you know when them hog turn around he
43:06
calling he going to come out he going to gut you you see right here he's blun du my C
43:13
straight out I but I wanted him boy I knew I could eat that son [ __ ] he knew I going to eat him he came out he start
43:20
snorting and moving got my dogs we SED them right back up and some [ __ ] is so loyal got right up got the back of his
43:26
hoof like there he want to let go I came with you son [ __ ] I tied his fat ass up
43:32
and I put him in the pen and I fed him for two years get him nice and fat son [ __ ] we ain't good boy we ain't
43:41
good ate nuts Knuckles you name screw that pig I still got some of him in a
43:47
pickle jar I don't like that son [ __ ] play with me play with me you see what
43:52
time it is my with
44:05
heard [Applause]
44:12
enough coming through two people come through in the middle you going together or like you're leaving where you going
44:18
you in the bathroom got it oh all right go ahead hun good go make sure she's okay
44:29
two times hey you know I I was I only told some of my friends I was thinking about
44:35
hunting only because I want to know if I can survive like I I can't even fix the
44:41
toilet I got to I got to call a guy for everything everything there's a league in the roof
44:48
oh man okay how long you think we can let it leak
44:54
before
45:01
I wouldn't tell my wife cuz she's like she she she found the Lord years
45:07
ago yeah yeah no it helped our marriage but we know we don't always see
45:14
IAI I don't mean that like I I I talked I talked to Lord different place she loves going to church I'm not a I don't
45:21
I don't like the church that's just me she loves I like getting there early and I listen to the
45:28
music and I'm going all the way to the music
45:35
over I'm a rock guy man I can't I
45:44
was I just woke up can I have coffee before we're going deep in
45:51
spirituality here so yeah fa DC came out with like
45:58
here's a song about the devil trying to tempt you you're
46:06
alive you need a little J S5 oh okay I'll give it a
46:13
shot I like this music so the point
46:22
is uh
46:28
once in a while she she'll hit me up and she like hey I I go to church with this really nice lady and um they're a nice
46:35
Christian couple and I want to have dinner it's a Friday night and I saw you
46:40
didn't have a show so Friday night um we're going to have dinner and my first instinct is very
46:48
judgmental first of all I'm annoyed it's a
46:53
Friday cuz that's the day when I'm like I want to let out a little bit just a little no destruction Just In My Own
47:03
Zone and the second part is like I just ask and she always gets mad like how Christian are we
47:11
talking that's an important question that's an important qu if if they're quiet and they don't say they like by
47:17
the way you know we really don't like okay but if you're walking in the door like when did you first find Jesus oh
47:23
come on you want a coffee a tea a beer let's
47:29
start with that before we start going there and I got we're doing testimonials I don't even know your name yet good
47:37
God you know we going to dinner and getting baptized where we
47:45
doing I want to know my boundaries so we're with this other
47:51
couple and I don't know where we're going my wife don't drink and they're having a great time
47:58
they're
48:08
talking me and this guy he's like you don't have a drink cuz I
48:14
am I like your type yeah that's how a cocktail so now we have two cocktails me
48:21
and this guy like hockey I love hockey we're talking to this he goes you know I grew up hunting like you have hunting he
48:27
go you ever been hunting like oh my God no but I went and saw Hogs being
48:33
shot like you can shoot him with like grenades and everything it's
48:40
crazy and he goes I'll bring you hunting sometime you really want to go hunting I'm and then my wife was
48:46
like what did you just say you're going are you talking about
48:52
going hunting is that what you just said you you're not going hunting who put
48:58
that in your head who put in your head that you want to hunt I'm going can we talk about this
49:12
one that's patience right there you know bad I want to with two drinks in
49:17
me two drinks someone says what do you mean
49:22
you're going hunting you know what I since when you you know the whole court is like yes Jim answer the
49:30
question we don't even know who you are but we've been videotaping for the last seven minutes and inquiring minds want
49:37
to know who youve been speaking with about
49:42
hunting and are you willing to kill the
49:48
Adam and she said and please just no more no more drinks you don't need more
49:54
drinks so about you I'm have one more yeah and then and then I just turn
50:01
into an idiot I just you know I eat a lot fat Jimmy comes out Fat Jimmy's a black bear just
50:08
invading cabinets in 3:00
50:17
a.m. Girl Scout cookies don't don't open them those are the
50:24
girls Jim stop it you're making crumbs all
50:30
over you're going to clean that
50:46
out and then the end night I'm just staring at my little fat
50:52
self defeated as a human why' you let me do this
51:04
tonight and Lily my wife is like Jim what what are you talking about hunting I said well I don't know I I
51:11
want to know if things go down I can support this family and and I can
51:18
provide cuz that's how I think you're going to [Music]
51:24
hunt you you you can't even take out the
51:30
goblets when it's Thanksgiving you start dry heaving every Thanksgiving and I do she's like take
51:38
out the
51:47
neck don't let it touch anything sorry it's on the
51:54
floor do you have
52:11
everything so my one friend's like hey man he
52:18
goes pulls me aside like Jim I heard you want to go hunt I go I do but my wife
52:24
he's like oh man you got to tell straight up just just just a different way of thinking man I grew up that way
52:31
I'll take you tell you what you know what it is you got too good at heart I'll start you off with a
52:36
turkey when I I don't I don't I he's like come just a bird he don't care about nothing it's a bird you can eat it
52:43
we're going to eat it we're going to eat every part of it man you can even put a little part of it on your door little fan
52:54
out you know and then you know then you watch the news for like a half a day
53:01
like more hatred mul
53:06
violence we're releasing criminals okay yeah I'll go turkey
53:17
Aron so my wife battle me she's like you're not I said yes I am I have nothing you
53:24
can do about it and I'm leaving right now my dad he picked me up 3:00 in the
53:32
morning drove I didn't have I had clothes like this and we got to the place and it was
53:40
real like dude this is we went to this guy's land this
53:46
is Florida I couldn't understand a
53:51
word this man was saying and this was his land you're like man wait till you
53:57
meet this guy he's cool as hell man he he's got all these animals on his land there and the government trying to take
54:03
away his land this is sixth generation having this land the government is trying to say they need to you know
54:09
water and ten it's double his taxing that's what these criminals do man that's why we got to learn to hunt some
54:21
turkeys so we we're in a truck and I feel like I'm in that
54:30
show you remember that and we get out of this truck and I got my gear On and Here Comes this old
54:36
guy and I'm like hey Skipper what do you doing I didn't he came right down there
54:42
boy Now list he looks right at me you D me ain't never ever ever been
54:52
H you J me you ain't never been he never like he
54:57
nevery or nothing I'm Dam I'm D I think he was
55:04
saying I'll be damned every cuz he Dam
55:14
D and they go now get up rid on a dream and this C man C we
55:22
about now but now old heard what they going to do cuz the D come he going to come around the corner and he going to
55:29
come in this F right here I'm about be yard I mean yeah good on y he get down
55:36
there we saw a of them yesterday so I want put you own tree right there when some back come here I give you one I
55:43
tell you what's going down you ain't never been huh
55:49
damn hey they're like hey thanks a lot man we're going to head there
55:56
that you understood anything he said he said yeah man the sun's going to
56:02
come up from the from over there in the East it's going to warm up the field and that's what the turkey they're going to start heading that way for all the bugs
56:09
and there's a couple there's about three four males and one of them are really stupid and most likely he'll come around
56:14
so when it comes around I'll give you a whistle and then we'll know we'll be ready like you heard all
56:23
that cuz I didn't hear
56:29
nothing so they put up they put up a fake two fake female
56:40
turkeys like made out of wood two fake female turkeys and like are they really now
56:47
they're in one breath they're like man now turkeys are really smart creatures Jim like they they they got great
56:53
eyesight and once they they can Cent you there they ain't going to go they ain't going to go for it but I'm thinking but
56:59
they're going for two wooden female
57:06
Turkish [Applause] okay I don't think humans are smart but
57:13
if there's a wooden chick there like hey baby [Applause]
57:23
um you look very oky just
57:30
saying so he says do and the Sun comes out and they're they're they're way more excited
57:38
than I am and the one guy's like now Jim I going give you the gun okay now when
57:44
he comes around the corner you want to aim for the base of his neck man you
57:49
going to get yourself a turkey ain't you excited ain't you excited you going to bring bring her man you put that in
57:56
pickle juice it's going to be good are you ready
58:02
I I mean
58:08
yeah I don't know if I can do this just make sure he aim for the base of his neck cuz if you miss it you know he
58:15
going to stay alive and jump up with he going to freak you out
58:21
then you the other guys you ain't never seen like you you ever been to a butcher and they chop off the chicken's head and
58:27
it runs around for like 20 minutes you ain't never seen that
58:36
no I buy it packaged you know in
58:48
the like this the way you're really supposed to eating kid and then all of a
58:53
sudden he gets his his his turkey
58:59
call which is nothing but I expected now I'm used to that you know
59:06
and the turkeys
59:11
say everyone does that Thanksgiving are you ready for
59:22
some this thing's more like a
59:27
so I I would I would have never survived I would have been out in the woods going get down get down they're smart
59:35
they're really
59:40
smart is he looking is he
59:47
looking I think I'm doing it good you try you got to do it higher
1:00:01
there's two two wooden females
1:00:06
there oh my God I'm so out of my element and this poor
1:00:14
bastard all the boys are walking straight and he
1:00:19
stopped and and I'm telling you I'm telling you I witnessed it I saw the
1:00:25
other male turkeys look at him and literally if they had telepathic
1:00:32
like don't they're wooden they got a new guy out there trying to H he's going to miss you he's
1:00:37
going to hit you here you're going to fight it's going to be bad come on we've seen this happen Charlie Tom we we'll
1:00:43
show you the graveyard come on but this guy was so
1:00:52
horny they at how horny you got to be to walk across a field and he
1:01:04
comes he fanned out his
1:01:10
cabal hey ladies what are you two sisters are you
1:01:21
cousins what you little shy you ain't never seen a little like
1:01:32
this and he turned and he looked at me and the guy's like shoot now and I'm
1:01:39
like I'm sorry and I felt like I felt like I grew up watch I watch Good Fellas
1:01:47
good fell okay you know when you know when Good Fellas when when Jo the Joe pesi
1:01:55
character thinks he's being made he thinks he's gonna he thinks he's going to be a boss and you went along on the
1:02:03
ride and you were like oh my God we're all going to make it this is amazing
1:02:08
we're so happy and you were happy that Joe pesi even though he was violent
1:02:15
criminal you still were like he's going to get made and you had no clue they
1:02:20
were setting him up and he got out of the car and talks to one old guy like
1:02:25
hey when did you get made he goes I'm 196 like hey that's beautiful he's
1:02:31
amazing when you get made right it's cotton toiro like I
1:02:37
can't believe this is happening I can't believe this is going to be great it's going to be great and you this is before dairo started talking
1:02:45
um in [Applause]
1:02:51
public love his art I'm not sure about his the rest
1:02:58
but and pessy goes in the garage and
1:03:04
he's like and that's when he went oh
1:03:10
no and you go oh no that's how I felt for this turkey cuz he literally was
1:03:17
like I can't believe I'm going to get myself not one but two chicks toight oh
1:03:29
no and everything was slow motion you don't understand I'm emotionally like I
1:03:36
get up and and they're in slow motion like oh man Jim got himself a
1:03:45
dark Jim's on the mat and I'm I'm I'm
1:03:50
just walking to it in slow motion with like a ringy
1:03:56
and I'm I'm picking the turkey up and I'm going I am going to make sure that
1:04:04
your soul feeds my family souls and I'm sorry I did this the government is
1:04:11
making me want to survive on my own and I don't want to think this way but I
1:04:18
don't know what's going on in life I just know and I'm seeing I'm so sorry you're beautiful I mean how did you not
1:04:25
know they were wooden chicks I mean this is on you man this is on you you are a stupid creature I'm just
1:04:34
saying I'm going no no I don't want I'm so sorry I'm sorry and I'm literally I'm
1:04:39
just I said man I'm going to I'm sorry man I I going to make sure your spirit lives on okay thank you for feeding me
1:04:47
thank you and in slow motion I just see these two guys in my peripheral vision
1:04:52
going I can't believe baby got a
1:05:01
turkey you know I'm praying this thing and they literally pick it up and they got the beak like what's the matter you
1:05:07
feel bad Jam you don't feel like eating me up
1:05:15
now they took his legs and B they C click click these are great back
1:05:23
scratchers and as much as you disagree with that or
1:05:29
judge it guess what cing by Will
1:05:34
[Applause]
1:05:47
Survive I ain't going to do it again
1:05:52
though still have a eat either I'm going to eat him when I go
1:06:02
home so yes I fly back home tomorrow and uh the last time I was up here I just
1:06:08
went through this whole thing where I got a uh a kidney
1:06:13
stone my friend yeah I didn't know I was having one because anyone's ever had a kidney
1:06:20
stone it's beyond the most painful thing they I've heard people say I had to go to the hospital I was in the hospital
1:06:27
they had to cut me open they had to laser me it's the worst P I've heard women tell
1:06:33
me it was 10 times worse than giving birth 10 yeah y I swear to God I've
1:06:40
heard I've heard I've heard people I've heard women say that like I had a I've
1:06:45
heard that and this is a woman that had children and so this is why I didn't know I was having
1:06:52
one one night I couldn't pee but every 15 minutes I felt like I
1:06:57
had to pee I've never been in the hospital I never had issues in my life so I go to pee like a little bit comes
1:07:03
out it dribbles like oh that's a little weird okay all right I'll be all right
1:07:09
all right and then 15 minutes later I'm like oh my God I got to peace so bad let me
1:07:16
just do like you like dude like you're all right man are you shy like what's going on right
1:07:22
now and then and then it starts getting worse and worse um
1:07:28
so it's about 1:00 in the morning now and I'm drinking cranberry juice because
1:07:35
yeah my I thought it was a UTI I looked online and says oh if you're getting pee it's a UTI
1:07:41
and I have I have all women in my house and every time they get a urinary tract infection like Jim go get cranberry
1:07:47
juice all natural don't buy Ocean Spray there's too much sugar in it then they'll get yeast infections then we'll
1:07:53
makes it even a worse situation and it gets real like all right text me oh my
1:08:05
God so I had a whole bunch of cranberry juice and I was sucking down the cranberry juice and about 1: in the
1:08:12
morning pee and it hurts like really bad and I thought it
1:08:18
was getting better cuz I thought it was cranberry juice that was coming
1:08:26
out exactly and there I thought there were
1:08:32
pieces in there I went oh I didn't know [Applause]
1:08:38
cranberries I guess they're like grapes so and it hurt I got oh God and oh my
1:08:45
god thank God I'm getting better thank God keep coming out cranberry juice keep
1:08:51
coming thank you God thank you for helping me out right now now oh Lord thank
1:08:59
you if I knew that wasn't cranberry juice I would I would have passed out are
1:09:05
you I'm leaking leaking from here that'll set a any man like oh God
1:09:12
anything oh God I'll take I'll take it blood out of my
1:09:19
ass oh no I think this is it I got 8 months to live over I don't know what it
1:09:24
is but I oh I got get don't do this to me don't take this
1:09:36
away so I I wake up in the morning and I go to the
1:09:43
drugstore and uh I get a UTI medicine and it holds it until I get home and I drive home and my wife's like oh my God
1:09:49
you look horrible what happened when I didn't sleep last night I had a
1:10:02
UTI Chim men men don't really get UTI how do you know is a UTI cuz I looked it
1:10:09
up and I drank cranberry juice and that's why I'm better cuz I peed it all
1:10:15
out you peed what out the cranberry juice all three gallons there was even pieces that were coming out my back is
1:10:22
killing me by the way [Applause]
1:10:28
like Jim you were peeing blood oh my
1:10:40
God so we're not going to go to the emergency room I know a doctor he sends me to a
1:10:46
urologist we go to go to see this urologist
1:10:51
right and uh
1:10:57
my wife comes with me like and I'm going in the office with you I'm going in the doctors so you don't have to Jim you
1:11:04
thought you were peeing cranberry
1:11:15
juice so we get in there and have to pee in a cup and I'm going to test it that's
1:11:22
my um did like a little
1:11:27
scan and then they said uh I I we're pretty sure it sound like you were
1:11:35
bleeding you sure you didn't pass a kidney stone I think you pass guine Stone but I
1:11:41
I'll let the doctor decide so the doctor comes in my wife's right there and he
1:11:47
pulls up a little chair he he goes I've been looking at your chart um so you
1:11:53
were pee blood for a little bit and and your back hurts and I'm I'm I'm pretty sure you peed a kidney stone you didn't
1:12:00
know it was a kidney stone no is he not really bad he goes it can
1:12:05
be it can be really bad but let's just check you real quick um and just rule everything out I want to rule out that
1:12:13
it's a an infection or something's going on so just take off your pants and
1:12:19
Underpants now I heard him
1:12:27
but I got my wife right there and although we're married 30 years I don't
1:12:32
care who you are I'm going to say 90% of the men in here I'm going to let our secret out when she's not looking let's
1:12:39
say we want to shower together anything I know you've seen your man naked but guess what he always gives a little when
1:12:45
you ain't looking when you're not looking he gives a little a little something hold on let
1:12:52
me go to the bathroom real
1:12:58
quick hold on 2 seconds two secs come on man come on come on come on no no no no
1:13:03
not that far just respect just respect that's all I want that's all I want BL
1:13:13
respect so uh but I can't do
1:13:18
it and I and I'm and I'm panicking a little looking at her and I take down
1:13:25
just my pants on my life I took down my pants I left my Underpants I don't know this guy you figure it
1:13:33
out I don't know what you like when you're in your car and what you're looking up and what kind of dark stuff
1:13:39
you're in on the web and what you watch behind closed doors with your needle I
1:13:44
don't know what's going on with you so he goes no no no your I need your
1:13:50
underpants down and my wife goes Jim what are you doing take your pants
1:13:59
off but now I have to there's nothing I could do and in my head I'm going all right on
1:14:05
the way down give it a give it
1:14:15
a get up I'm I got a muscle
1:14:22
spasm there was no nothing I could do just B
1:14:28
and I don't care who you are listen I if you no
1:14:35
man no man wants to show his all natural self unless you got a donkey if you got
1:14:42
a donkey oh bet you know there those are the kids in school like
1:14:52
problem ouch when the sun comes up I bring my
1:14:58
donkey out to the pasture so it could whistle to the
1:15:09
neighbors those who the kids at school you're like I'm not gay but look at this guy look at him look at
1:15:21
him the call that kid the Cobra you'd have his towel on coming out of gym and
1:15:27
the cat the Cobra being down [Music]
1:15:38
here screw your confidence up as a boy for years like is it ever going to look
1:15:47
[Applause] different so I put that so it's not I
1:15:54
can do I just look at her and I put it
1:16:03
[Applause] down he's he's
1:16:14
nervous and this guy just grabs it like it's
1:16:21
nothing look at my wife right there and he
1:16:31
says oh my God is this what it's like in prison is this what
1:16:37
happened then he squeezes one oh my God oh my God and before I even know what's
1:16:45
happening he's like no I think I just want to cancel everything out let me check your prostate real quick put your
1:16:51
elbows on the table please and no no no leave your pants off what what's just going
1:16:58
on and my wife starts
1:17:08
laughing he is not my husband's not going to like this at
1:17:14
all what what's going on he goes and I'll never forget those words elbows on
1:17:20
the table with my pants off yes
1:17:30
please and you see him just grab a glove and he like
1:17:38
no no where you going where you
1:17:43
going what do what do
1:17:51
we and that's your lifestyle more power to you cuz I I'll tell you what the me
1:17:57
is in there I like get it out get it out I don't care if I got
1:18:09
PR I didn't have one desire to go take it out and now put it back in can you take it out can you can you choke me
1:18:17
pull my hair can you punch me can you violently wrap a flag around my head and
1:18:28
then and then he just he looks at me he goes yeah no it's
1:18:33
it was a kidney
1:18:39
stone my ass cheeks are sing wet with gooey whatever my wife
1:18:47
[Music] and and he and it ends with you just
1:18:53
holding doesn't matter how much money and and how important you are in life it
1:18:58
all ends with goo on your ass with your wife and me going is this covered by
1:19:10
Insurance tickets on sale tonight I'll see you guys in November thanks for coming
1:19:16
out thanks for keep bringing me back man you guys are awesome Long Island baby don't let him
1:19:22
bust your balls turn off that damn TV and start building those neighborhoods
1:19:30
again see you soon thank [Applause]
1:19:42
[Applause] [Music]
1:19:51
you