Reddit Tymes

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#reddit #reddittymes #tymes #reddittymestoday A lot of people tell me I've got an addiction to brake fluid, truth is I can stop at any time. Why do SCUBA divers fall out of the boat backwards?Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat. What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?The taste. Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?Because they're really good at it What does a robot do during a one night stand?​He Nuts and Bolts Much more fun to say out loud than type but,Two whales walk into a barThe bartender asks what can I get for you two? One whales goes *OOOOOoooooOOOooooooOoOOOO* (I try for dorys humpback whale impersonation here) The second whale: Go home Frank you're drunk. Not mine, but I think it belongs to my favourite ones. "Doctor, will I be ok?""I don't know, Mercury is in Uranus right now""I don't do astronomy doc""Me neither, my thermometer just broke" Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded? De brie was everywhere. I was in the office today and the cleaning lady asked if I wanted to smoke weed with her after work. I turned her down. I don't really like high maintenance women Two nuns were sitting on a park bench when a naked man runs by...One of the nuns had a stroke, the other couldn't reach... Stalin is sitting at his desk busy with paperwork when his assistant bursts into the room and says:"Comrade Stalin, there is a clairvoyant here that wants to see you, he claims he can see the future!""Send him to Gulag" says Stalin, "If he could see the future he wouldn't have come here" A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and says "Make me one with everything."Bonus for philosophy nerds: Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, Descartes, I just got this new import beer in. Want to try it?" Descartes says "Hmm, I think not." and he vanishes into thin air. I mixed up the words jacuzzi and yakuza and now im in hot water with the Japanese mafia A man goes to a funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word. He goes to the front and says "Plethora" and sits back down. The widow leans over and whispers "Thanks, that means a lot."Edit: Thank you Everyone. I gladly will add on your lines when I retell this joke. You have all made my day brighter! Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls. One guy says, “I wish I could do that.†The other replies, “... well maybe just try petting him first.†I had a song stuck in my head the other day and kept singing it out loud.My wife finally broke down and screamed Will you please STOP singing Wonderwall!?I said maybe People are shocked when they find out what a terrible electrician I am. A Proctologist walks into a bank, he needs to sign a document. He tries to sign, but he pulls a thermometer out of his shirt pocket. "Oh shit, some asshole has my pen!" "dad, the trashman's here""tell him we don't need any" What did the sign on the door of the brothel say?"Beat it, we're closed." I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. I asked the zookeeper about it, and he told me it was bread in captivity. "Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing 'What's New Pussycat'.""Ah. That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.""Is it common?""It's not unusual." What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?:makes gagging sound:I told this to my family when I was like, 11? Went over well. Why did the blind man fall into the well??He couldn't see that well The divorce court judge says to Mickey "Now let me get this straight Mr. Mouse, you want a divorce from your wife Minnie because she's crazy?" And Mickey says "No, I never said she was crazy, I said she was flocking Goofy!" What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?Kicked out of the petting zoo! What did the fish say when it hit the wall?Dam.My uncle's only joke. Two windmills are standing in a field when one asks "what's your favorite type of music?"The other says "I'm a big metal fan" I walked into the pharmacy and asked for some deodorant“The ball kind?†“Just for under the arms is fine†why does a chicken coop only have two doors? because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan. What do you call a dog with steel balls and no hind legs?Sparky Why does the little mermaid wear seashells?Because she's too big for b shellsEdit: Had no idea this was gonna blow up! Thanks all of you for all the awards! I bought the worst thesaurus the other day. Not only was it terrible, it was also terrible!Edit: Well, shucks. Thanks for all the awards and for my most upvoted comment! You're all great, and also, you're great.

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I don't trust myself to recognize a bulge anymore, not after rubbing my boyfriend's wallet in his pocket for like 10 minutes while making out. There seems to be two camps here: people who have never in their life noticed a bulge and people who stare at crotches on the regular, desperately hoping to see one. Fucking crotch watchers lol all these comments made me laugh. Well, I only really notice if a guy is wearing sweatpants. But Ill usually go, "oh flock, I did not mean to look there" and immediately look away. I try not to be a meat-gazer. I am wondering how often women think they see a bulge when in reality it's just the pants folding Probably notice and my thoughts are honestly “*Major Tom is lookin real Major*†because I started saying that in regards to David Bowie’s bulge in labyrinth and now I just think it when noticing that on anyone I saw my best friend all bricked up, so i whacked it. I poke at it.​​Only my partner's. I don’t. It’s a dick move. Lol this whole thread is such a sausage party Not often.Depending on the position, it's either a phone, padding or a penis. They’re most likely tryna smuggle a ferret. Duh. If I notice id prob think how they put it in their pants, leftie or righty #reddit #reddittymes #tymes #reddittymestoday

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#reddit #reddittymes #tymes #reddittymestoday I survived a car crash that wrecked my car. Rolled twice, landed upside down, learned the hard way that I didn’t have airbags (or at least they didn’t deploy). Did have my seatbelt on though, that probably saved me.Paramedic said he hadn’t seen a wreckage like that and have it end well.Not even a hairline fracture. Parachute deployed but failed to open. That was one of those moments, than training kicked in. Cut away failed chute, deploy secondary. But for a brief moment life was about to be over in my mind. Tire popped going over a two lane road with steep drops on both sides. My car jerked to the side hard, and my car went sideways. Half my car hung over the side and luckily it's low so it bottomed out. I climbed into the back seat and jumped out the back door.Some dude in a truck pulled me out and I drove on a flat to the other side and swapped my tire out. Went white water rafting on the Gauley river and my raft flipped on pillow rock (one of the most famous class v rapids). Scariest moment of my life but, other than unexpectedly swallowing some water and almost vomiting, I came out completely unharmed. I ate one of those Brach’s oval shaped hard candies (think they were called Sparklettes) at home alone when I was 6. Got stuck in my throat. I stood there in shock for a few seconds as I started to realize I couldn’t breathe. I ran crazily around the room and ended up colliding hard into the back of the couch which caused the candy to go flying out. Best accidental Heimlich ever.*typo edit When both the stewardess and pilot at different times came on the loud speaker of the plane saying they are doing their best to land safely. Then seeing the fire engines and other emergency vehicles on the runway waiting for us. The plane landed fine but as it was going for the landing a weird calm came over me because I knew I wasn't going to make it and that was fine. I was drunk and running in the woods when bam, barb wire fence straight to the throat. The last thing I remember I couldn't breathe and was passing out and there was blood squirting from my neck. Woke up an hour later and walked home looking like a murder victim. A really bad flash fire at work where I jumped into a pit to get away from the heat. I saw the flames roll right over top of the pit. I thought for sure I was going to die. I got some wicked 3rd degree burns, but I lived. I'm a skier. On a few occasions I have caught an edge at a pretty high speed (50+mph or more). That moment when you feel both skis leave the ground when they're not supposed to is horrifying. Somehow I've never had anything more than some moderate whiplash and a sprained wrist (knock on wood). Yesterday morning when I slipped on some wet tin on a roof my safety cable didn't activate, luckily my coworker caught me, thats about as close as I've gotten so far. In one of my first solo flights, when Cessna's pilot door opened during a turn and my belt was the only thing between my ass and the ground, 2000ft away. Everytime my heart does the pinch thing and starts beating irregularlyEdit:thanks everyone for the concern, I do have an anxiety disorder and a weirdly developed heart so those are double trouble. When I was hurtling down a mountain in the peak District on a bike and my brakes stopped working and was heading headfirst towards an open road In a vehicle that rolled 3 times across the highway, then got hit by an 18 wheeler that was going WAY too fast. Two staples in a small head wound and that was it. All other passengers were seriously wounded or killed. Bungee jumping. For the a second I legitimately thought I was dead. It was terrifying. I don’t do heights well "Duct tape man" costume in middle schoolAs a last minute costume, I decided to cover myself in duct tape. As I wrapped my waist/chest, the shirt kept sliding so I sucked in and wrapped it real tight. Soon I realized I couldn't breathe. Frantically tried to rip it off, but the shirt just moved with the tape. Nearly passed out before I found some scissors and cut my shirt open Daisy chain IED attack when on a convoy in Iraq in 2003. I saw two go off in front of me, and felt one just behind. They didn't just miss injuring me and the people in my vehicle, no one else in my convoy was hurt. The only "injury" I had was a wicked ringing in my right ear for a week, followed by some hearing loss. Not bad considering. Shortly after my dad died, I was convinced I was having a heart attack and was so depressed I just went to sleep. I was certain I wasn’t going to wake up.In retrospect, I was possibly having an anxiety attack. Overdosed on antidepressants. Not a fun time, but no permanent damage. First 16 years of my life. Abusive father who would start swinging as soon as he got home from wherever he was. Anytime my father was home, all siblings would run to their room and mother would start praying silently.

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